potato_head (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
potato_head) wrote2011-02-07 06:59 pm
potato_head) wrote2011-02-07 06:59 pm
Entry tags:
Hey look it's that trans icon I made
I actually planned this post like, over the weekend, but was busy playing Monster Rancher EVO and having inexplicably dreamless, unrestful sleep at night, so it didn't happen.
Anyway so I feel like talking about my experiences that culminated in me realizing that I'm transgendered. And please note that there is no one way to "be" trans, so my journey is not going to look exactly like anybody else's, nor should anybody else's be measured against mine.
Even when I was really young, I remember not 'feeling like' a girl. I understood that there were girls and there were boys, and that I 'was' a girl, but when I talked about girls, I wasn't really talking about myself or including myself in that group. I didn't really have a concrete idea of what I was, I was just quite sure I wasn't a girl. In that vein, I refused to wear skirts or dresses as soon as I had any autonomy in my clothing choices.
In elementary school I remember being introduced to the slur 'he-she' (some of the other kids in my group of friends were mocking a boy in the class who was effeminate). Once they explained what the word meant to me, I declared that I was a 'she-he'. I was immediately informed that I shouldn't call myself that, so that didn't last long.
Puberty was a pretty shitty time for me. As soon as I heard about the changes my body would be going through, I got really upset. When I actually got my first period, I tried the ignore-it-and-maybe-it-will-go-away route. (Spoiler: this does not work for periods as a long-term solution). When Mom found the stains on the inside of my pants, she made a big deal out of how 'exciting' it was, apparently thinking it would help the fact that I was almost crying?
When my breasts started to grow in, I tried the same strategy with them. I refused to wear any sort of bra ever for something like the first three years. (The result is that they're now pretty saggy, which I don't care about much tbh). Eventually I had to start wearing bras because my chest hurt, but I refused to do anything like try to find proper-fitting ones or even my size (I still don't know what size they are; I now wear sports bras 100% of the time, including to bed). I also remember at one point complaining to my friend that my breasts were 'too big'. She seemed somewhat disconcerted, and in retrospect I can understand why, especially they're fairly average in size. Their continued insistence upon growing during that time was very upsetting, though.
Also, at some point during middle school, I went through a phase of narrating everything I was doing in my head (I know I'm not the only person who's done this, don't judge me ;n;) and after awhile realized I was using male pronouns with myself. I actually trained myself out of it then, which is a pain now because I have to train myself back into it, but I no longer have a running commentary in my head about everything I do, making it much harder to find situations in which to correct myself.
During my freshman year of highschool, I started experimenting with male-ish fashions. I bought a bunch of button-up shirts and tried to convince dad to let me borrow some of his ties (he wouldn't). I also gave up altogether on buying clothes made for women, because I never found anything in a style that I liked; even the ones with cool patterns had v-cut or low necks meant to show off my cleavage, which I had no interest in showing to anybody or even having to look at, myself. So I started buying unisex and men's t-shirts and sweatshirts, and men's jeans.
It wasn't long after this that I came to the realization that I wanted to be a man. In fact, I started having suicidal thoughts because I didn't want to live as a woman. It didn't occur to me that I could be a man until sometime in my junior year, when I was particularly upset and talking to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
srztanjur about it, and he was like 'I bet there's an online support group for that.' By then I had encountered the term 'transgendered' but felt like I couldn't possibly be, because I wasn't "manly enough", and I'm mostly gay, and so on, but I decided to start there anyways.
And now here I am. :D
Alright, I'm going to go take a nap now.
Anyway so I feel like talking about my experiences that culminated in me realizing that I'm transgendered. And please note that there is no one way to "be" trans, so my journey is not going to look exactly like anybody else's, nor should anybody else's be measured against mine.
Even when I was really young, I remember not 'feeling like' a girl. I understood that there were girls and there were boys, and that I 'was' a girl, but when I talked about girls, I wasn't really talking about myself or including myself in that group. I didn't really have a concrete idea of what I was, I was just quite sure I wasn't a girl. In that vein, I refused to wear skirts or dresses as soon as I had any autonomy in my clothing choices.
In elementary school I remember being introduced to the slur 'he-she' (some of the other kids in my group of friends were mocking a boy in the class who was effeminate). Once they explained what the word meant to me, I declared that I was a 'she-he'. I was immediately informed that I shouldn't call myself that, so that didn't last long.
Puberty was a pretty shitty time for me. As soon as I heard about the changes my body would be going through, I got really upset. When I actually got my first period, I tried the ignore-it-and-maybe-it-will-go-away route. (Spoiler: this does not work for periods as a long-term solution). When Mom found the stains on the inside of my pants, she made a big deal out of how 'exciting' it was, apparently thinking it would help the fact that I was almost crying?
When my breasts started to grow in, I tried the same strategy with them. I refused to wear any sort of bra ever for something like the first three years. (The result is that they're now pretty saggy, which I don't care about much tbh). Eventually I had to start wearing bras because my chest hurt, but I refused to do anything like try to find proper-fitting ones or even my size (I still don't know what size they are; I now wear sports bras 100% of the time, including to bed). I also remember at one point complaining to my friend that my breasts were 'too big'. She seemed somewhat disconcerted, and in retrospect I can understand why, especially they're fairly average in size. Their continued insistence upon growing during that time was very upsetting, though.
Also, at some point during middle school, I went through a phase of narrating everything I was doing in my head (I know I'm not the only person who's done this, don't judge me ;n;) and after awhile realized I was using male pronouns with myself. I actually trained myself out of it then, which is a pain now because I have to train myself back into it, but I no longer have a running commentary in my head about everything I do, making it much harder to find situations in which to correct myself.
During my freshman year of highschool, I started experimenting with male-ish fashions. I bought a bunch of button-up shirts and tried to convince dad to let me borrow some of his ties (he wouldn't). I also gave up altogether on buying clothes made for women, because I never found anything in a style that I liked; even the ones with cool patterns had v-cut or low necks meant to show off my cleavage, which I had no interest in showing to anybody or even having to look at, myself. So I started buying unisex and men's t-shirts and sweatshirts, and men's jeans.
It wasn't long after this that I came to the realization that I wanted to be a man. In fact, I started having suicidal thoughts because I didn't want to live as a woman. It didn't occur to me that I could be a man until sometime in my junior year, when I was particularly upset and talking to
srztanjur about it, and he was like 'I bet there's an online support group for that.' By then I had encountered the term 'transgendered' but felt like I couldn't possibly be, because I wasn't "manly enough", and I'm mostly gay, and so on, but I decided to start there anyways.And now here I am. :D
Alright, I'm going to go take a nap now.