SAY MY NAME
Mar. 16th, 2011 02:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
potato_headFuck, fuck, I feel like I should be apologizing all over the place for flist spamming so much, but like, I was ETA'ing this on that other post but I feel a lot better now and I just feel like...making this into its own post now? IDK I lj-cut like nobody's business so I am sure my posts are quite easy to scroll by.
I am feeling uncertain about my name choice, which I haven't in, awhile. But I can't properly remember why I let go of Mortimer. Because other people told me it was dorky, right? But I'm a fucking dork, like, the biggest dork ever. And now I'm seriously considering Domino, which is not. Even. A real name. I'm pretty sure. It's the name of a superhero, or an assassin, depending if you're a bigger comic book or movie geek.
Why was my main reason for choosing 'Christian' that everybody else liked it?
I think, maybe, it was just a place-holder name. For that super-butch place-holder identity I had for awhile. Which is not really me.
I also kind of like Calvin, which is what my parents were going to call me if I were born a boy (or Kevin, but I like that less). I just kind of...like it, though. It doesn't really seem like me.
Why am I so stuck on Domino? I am serious, brain, stop it, that is not a real name, I can't be a fucking business man named Domino.
Although maybe people could call me Dom for short. That sounds suitably. Um. Suitable.
IDK. I might feel different about it in the morning. But I don't think so. My stupid funks usually don't last three days. So, the issue of my name is open again.
Maybe this is a good time. Considering Corey is now not speaking to me since I told him he's stupid, and I know better this time than to consult Amanda so she can be suitably embarrassed about my name choices. I should have done it on my own the first time. But I mean, it would be cool if I had somebody to like. Toss ideas around with. Who wouldn't tell me that only a fucking idiot would call himself Mortimer.
It does feel, kind of, like I'm making it too big of a deal. My name. Most people don't really get to name themselves. But it is, kind of, a big deal to me, because I've always hated my birth name. I remember in grade school trying to get my friends at summer camp to call me Cory or Lee (my middle name).
I hated that camp, btw. Probably because my asthma was untreated at the time and I was having like, dizzy spells and shit. And we didn't spend nearly enough time on archery lessons, and much too much time in the fucking lake. By which I mean everybody else went in the lake, and I stayed on the beach and felt awkward, because I cannot stand being near docks or in water I can't see to the bottom of.
...LOOK AT ME RAMBLE, I AM A CHAMPION.
Still pretty hooked on Domino. And no, Dominic is apparently not a suitable replacement.
Okay, I promise this is my last post tonight, and I might even make that other one private before I go to bed, depending on how embarrassed I feel by then.
I am feeling uncertain about my name choice, which I haven't in, awhile. But I can't properly remember why I let go of Mortimer. Because other people told me it was dorky, right? But I'm a fucking dork, like, the biggest dork ever. And now I'm seriously considering Domino, which is not. Even. A real name. I'm pretty sure. It's the name of a superhero, or an assassin, depending if you're a bigger comic book or movie geek.
Why was my main reason for choosing 'Christian' that everybody else liked it?
I think, maybe, it was just a place-holder name. For that super-butch place-holder identity I had for awhile. Which is not really me.
I also kind of like Calvin, which is what my parents were going to call me if I were born a boy (or Kevin, but I like that less). I just kind of...like it, though. It doesn't really seem like me.
Why am I so stuck on Domino? I am serious, brain, stop it, that is not a real name, I can't be a fucking business man named Domino.
Although maybe people could call me Dom for short. That sounds suitably. Um. Suitable.
IDK. I might feel different about it in the morning. But I don't think so. My stupid funks usually don't last three days. So, the issue of my name is open again.
Maybe this is a good time. Considering Corey is now not speaking to me since I told him he's stupid, and I know better this time than to consult Amanda so she can be suitably embarrassed about my name choices. I should have done it on my own the first time. But I mean, it would be cool if I had somebody to like. Toss ideas around with. Who wouldn't tell me that only a fucking idiot would call himself Mortimer.
It does feel, kind of, like I'm making it too big of a deal. My name. Most people don't really get to name themselves. But it is, kind of, a big deal to me, because I've always hated my birth name. I remember in grade school trying to get my friends at summer camp to call me Cory or Lee (my middle name).
I hated that camp, btw. Probably because my asthma was untreated at the time and I was having like, dizzy spells and shit. And we didn't spend nearly enough time on archery lessons, and much too much time in the fucking lake. By which I mean everybody else went in the lake, and I stayed on the beach and felt awkward, because I cannot stand being near docks or in water I can't see to the bottom of.
...LOOK AT ME RAMBLE, I AM A CHAMPION.
Still pretty hooked on Domino. And no, Dominic is apparently not a suitable replacement.
Okay, I promise this is my last post tonight, and I might even make that other one private before I go to bed, depending on how embarrassed I feel by then.
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no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 04:56 pm (UTC)I knew I wanted the name Nathaniel in there. I have always felt very connected to it.
In the end I chose Christopher Reuben Nathaniel. And it feels more like me than anything else ever has. In fact, I will be changing my name legally to it soon. Even while I am still living as female as far as official stuff goes. I just so much prefer a male name.
Reuben was for my little sister - if she'd been born a boy it was going to be her name.
I was so surprised though when I was reading a list of names and Christopher just leapt out at me. It's so normal. completely not me. But it feels so, so me. It feels like the man I feel I am inside, and that's what's important. Not what people think.
Of course once I change it and people get used to it there's the bonus of them being able to use 'Chris' in public if they are uncomfortable using a male name for me in front of others. But mostly I use Topher. Quite a few people call me that now. And I love it. It's an homage to an amazing character in an amazing TV show, it's unusual, and it's still a part of the name that is really ME and feels like ME.
Feeling like you is what's important. If Bob feels like you, that's who you are. If it's Domino, then that's who you are. Fuck what anyone else thinks. Choosing your real name is about you and becoming you.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 09:03 pm (UTC)But then I keep thinking it might make my parents take me less seriously, and Amanda will be all second-hand-embarrassment for me, and it'll be even easier for people who already think I'm just transitioning for attention to dismiss me. I think (or hope) I'll get over all that eventually, but it's just hard, right now.
I think part of it is I have trouble sometimes taking myself seriously. I feel more like a boy than a man, like I haven't really grown up yet, and it makes me doubt my own decisions sometimes.
But yeah, thank you <3 for sharing and etc.