Eat the barkalarks and larkalarkalark
Dec. 14th, 2011 01:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
potato_headI've had this accusation thrown at me before, and seen it thrown at other trans people, in so many words or no, so I'd like to take a moment to talk about where I am in my life and what that means to me.
Currently, I have all of one friend who is cis. I have many acquaintances who are, of course; and close family members who are cis. But as far as people I chose to be close to, those I consider friends and trust, those who identify as trans far outnumber those who do not.
And I am not really looking to change that. I am not looking outside my own community for intimacy, platonic or otherwise. It takes a lot, these days, for me to consider trusting a cis person.
No, this isn't because I hate all cis people, nor do I think they are all transphobic assholes. I don't even think they're all ignorant, or unable to learn about trans issues or to be sensitive towards trans people. In fact, I know there are good allies out there who are cis. I've met a few of them in passing. One of them is my friend. One of them, I think, is my brother, but TBH who the hell knows what goes on in his head these days.
There may even be places where you can't throw a stone without hitting a sensitive cis ally. If one were to want to stone them. Let's not, please.
However, in my own life, I have never found that to be the case. I have spent several years now continually searching for allies, trying to educate my friends into being good allies, only to find that the large majority of cis people around me (around me) are either unable or unwilling to learn the basics, let alone do research on their own time.
I am open about who I am with the primary purpose to educate. I do not have a problem facing ignorance and gently correcting it. It's one of the few things I am good at and damned if I'm not going to use it to make myself of some use. I used to teach math; now I teach people that I'm a person.
But here's the thing. Having a friend who was bad at math never hurt me. But having someone close to you - who you trust to support you - come out with some really terrible transphobic sentiment that just makes you want to shake them and say what would ever make you feel that would be an okay thing to say at all, let alone to me is pretty painful. It's not the same as facing ignorance in a Q&A session with an acquaintance or a stranger, from whom you have no expectation of support or understanding. I can step away from that situation at any time - they might not like it, but I have no emotional obligation to them; it is not their right to have their questions answered, it is something I chose to do.
But when a friend makes an ignorant blunder - and then are defensive about it, as many cis people around me tend to be - stepping away can make the situation worse, and it is no longer a situation in which I have no investment or obligation. Damaging a friendship is painful to me, regardless of whether or not I think it's the best course of action.
It's exhausting and painful. As is always having to try and search out cis people who I can trust; those that aren't blatantly transphobic, are truly willing to learn and to listen, and who will absorb what I tell them and not keep making the same hurtful mistakes over and over.
So no, I do not hate cis people. In all honesty, I don't think I'm a hateful person. I'm a scared, frustrated, and sometimes very angry person, yes. I may not necessarily be a very pleasant person, especially when I feel I can't let my guard down, so cis people may find me to be particularly ornery. But mostly I am just tired. Tired of having to put so much effort into finding cis people that I can trust, and then often more effort and pain into the relationship.
And it pisses me off that I'm expected to just deal with this, or else be labeled combative, a hateful extremist, antisocial. Because I choose to seek companions from within my own community - a luxury and privilege most cis people would never be questioned for taking advantage of. Nobody demands of a cis person why they don't have any trans friends, and questions their character over it. Even if a cis person states they purposefully don't associate with trans people, they don't get scolded like a child for it and told to learn to 'play nice' for the good of their group. Most importantly, nobody hinges the legitimacy of cis people's identities on whether or not they are willing to associate with trans people.
I guess at this point I'm just ranting Cis Privilege 101 crap. If I haven't made my point clear by now, further rambling will just muddy it up. I guess I'll just end by saying quickly that no, this does not mean I will never find any new cis friends or lovers ever. I am certainly open to forming close relationships with cis people. I am at the point, though, where I expect and need the cis person to make the effort to gain my trust first. I have no doubt that I'll be missing out on some wonderful friends because of this, but I only have so much emotional strength, and I choose to spend it primarily on maintaining the wonderful relationships I already have, and seeking out new ones among people I can be statistically more certain that I can trust.
Currently, I have all of one friend who is cis. I have many acquaintances who are, of course; and close family members who are cis. But as far as people I chose to be close to, those I consider friends and trust, those who identify as trans far outnumber those who do not.
And I am not really looking to change that. I am not looking outside my own community for intimacy, platonic or otherwise. It takes a lot, these days, for me to consider trusting a cis person.
No, this isn't because I hate all cis people, nor do I think they are all transphobic assholes. I don't even think they're all ignorant, or unable to learn about trans issues or to be sensitive towards trans people. In fact, I know there are good allies out there who are cis. I've met a few of them in passing. One of them is my friend. One of them, I think, is my brother, but TBH who the hell knows what goes on in his head these days.
There may even be places where you can't throw a stone without hitting a sensitive cis ally. If one were to want to stone them. Let's not, please.
However, in my own life, I have never found that to be the case. I have spent several years now continually searching for allies, trying to educate my friends into being good allies, only to find that the large majority of cis people around me (around me) are either unable or unwilling to learn the basics, let alone do research on their own time.
I am open about who I am with the primary purpose to educate. I do not have a problem facing ignorance and gently correcting it. It's one of the few things I am good at and damned if I'm not going to use it to make myself of some use. I used to teach math; now I teach people that I'm a person.
But here's the thing. Having a friend who was bad at math never hurt me. But having someone close to you - who you trust to support you - come out with some really terrible transphobic sentiment that just makes you want to shake them and say what would ever make you feel that would be an okay thing to say at all, let alone to me is pretty painful. It's not the same as facing ignorance in a Q&A session with an acquaintance or a stranger, from whom you have no expectation of support or understanding. I can step away from that situation at any time - they might not like it, but I have no emotional obligation to them; it is not their right to have their questions answered, it is something I chose to do.
But when a friend makes an ignorant blunder - and then are defensive about it, as many cis people around me tend to be - stepping away can make the situation worse, and it is no longer a situation in which I have no investment or obligation. Damaging a friendship is painful to me, regardless of whether or not I think it's the best course of action.
It's exhausting and painful. As is always having to try and search out cis people who I can trust; those that aren't blatantly transphobic, are truly willing to learn and to listen, and who will absorb what I tell them and not keep making the same hurtful mistakes over and over.
So no, I do not hate cis people. In all honesty, I don't think I'm a hateful person. I'm a scared, frustrated, and sometimes very angry person, yes. I may not necessarily be a very pleasant person, especially when I feel I can't let my guard down, so cis people may find me to be particularly ornery. But mostly I am just tired. Tired of having to put so much effort into finding cis people that I can trust, and then often more effort and pain into the relationship.
And it pisses me off that I'm expected to just deal with this, or else be labeled combative, a hateful extremist, antisocial. Because I choose to seek companions from within my own community - a luxury and privilege most cis people would never be questioned for taking advantage of. Nobody demands of a cis person why they don't have any trans friends, and questions their character over it. Even if a cis person states they purposefully don't associate with trans people, they don't get scolded like a child for it and told to learn to 'play nice' for the good of their group. Most importantly, nobody hinges the legitimacy of cis people's identities on whether or not they are willing to associate with trans people.
I guess at this point I'm just ranting Cis Privilege 101 crap. If I haven't made my point clear by now, further rambling will just muddy it up. I guess I'll just end by saying quickly that no, this does not mean I will never find any new cis friends or lovers ever. I am certainly open to forming close relationships with cis people. I am at the point, though, where I expect and need the cis person to make the effort to gain my trust first. I have no doubt that I'll be missing out on some wonderful friends because of this, but I only have so much emotional strength, and I choose to spend it primarily on maintaining the wonderful relationships I already have, and seeking out new ones among people I can be statistically more certain that I can trust.
