*wiggles through*~
Jan. 7th, 2011 02:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
potato_headYeah I'm still alive~
What happened is there was holidays and family and then COREY IS HERE VISITING but he's sleeping right now and he's going home tomorrow :C :C :C
I haven't had a lot of chance to sew but he got me a ton of fabric for XMas/my birthday YAAAAY I will probably sew a ton once he's gone home and I'm not spending all my time snuggling with him or shooting nazi zombies or learning to kick his ass in swordsmanship.
I think I'm finally starting to really accept my weight and body size. Experience has shown that no matter what I do, my actual weight stays at a steady 220lbs give or take about 5lbs, and my actual body size only fluctuates enough for my jeans to feel a little tight or a little loose. My blood pressure is fine, I'm not as fit as I could be but I HAVE tried exercising regularly and it just didn't make a lot of difference in my life; I'd rather just do it when I feel like it, which is why I did it before. Dragging myself to the gym when I don't want to go? Not worth it.*
Most of my life I've been saying I'm 'fine' with my weight, but I actually meant 'I hate my body already, being thinner wouldn't make a difference'. I didn't see myself as a skinny girl any more than I saw myself as a fat girl.
Then I finally really (really) realized that I wasn't a girl at all, and I think somewhere in the 'I can actually be who I am' euphoria I mixed up my ideal self with some skinny twink of a guy.
Not only will I never BE some skinny twink of a guy (unless I literally starve myself), that's not who I AM. I have muscle, and I like having muscle. I like being soft and cuddly as well. I happen to feel my muscle-hidden-under-fluffy-fat method is rather perfect for that.
And of course there's the fact that previously, 'accepting my body' had meant 'well, it's not like I can get anything better'. I had to re-learn that.
Anyways, yeah. You know, I always feel so inarticulate compared to a lot of people. I can't come up with a good ending to a blog post, let alone an essay, my conclusions are all absolute shit I assure you for realz. (Speaking of which, did vry good last semester, all A's :D!!! So thrilled for the A- in History of American Government since the only grades we got were those three essays and omg so hard I AM NOT A POLITICAL THEORIST/HISTORIAN)
Also IDK why I lj-cut random stuff like I think I'm hiding it? I guess I assume people don't want to actually read about how I feel about being a chubster so I put it where they don't have to see it lol. UNAPOLOGETIC ABOUT MY WEIGHT, BUT COMPLETELY APOLOGETIC ABOUT YOU HAVING TO READ ABOUT ME TALKING ABOUT MYSELF
*What I do need to do, though, is get outside, at least in the yard or something, at least once a day. I tend to forget that some nature exposure is refreshing. Walks with the dog are even more fun :D
What happened is there was holidays and family and then COREY IS HERE VISITING but he's sleeping right now and he's going home tomorrow :C :C :C
I haven't had a lot of chance to sew but he got me a ton of fabric for XMas/my birthday YAAAAY I will probably sew a ton once he's gone home and I'm not spending all my time snuggling with him or shooting nazi zombies or learning to kick his ass in swordsmanship.
I think I'm finally starting to really accept my weight and body size. Experience has shown that no matter what I do, my actual weight stays at a steady 220lbs give or take about 5lbs, and my actual body size only fluctuates enough for my jeans to feel a little tight or a little loose. My blood pressure is fine, I'm not as fit as I could be but I HAVE tried exercising regularly and it just didn't make a lot of difference in my life; I'd rather just do it when I feel like it, which is why I did it before. Dragging myself to the gym when I don't want to go? Not worth it.*
Most of my life I've been saying I'm 'fine' with my weight, but I actually meant 'I hate my body already, being thinner wouldn't make a difference'. I didn't see myself as a skinny girl any more than I saw myself as a fat girl.
Then I finally really (really) realized that I wasn't a girl at all, and I think somewhere in the 'I can actually be who I am' euphoria I mixed up my ideal self with some skinny twink of a guy.
Not only will I never BE some skinny twink of a guy (unless I literally starve myself), that's not who I AM. I have muscle, and I like having muscle. I like being soft and cuddly as well. I happen to feel my muscle-hidden-under-fluffy-fat method is rather perfect for that.
And of course there's the fact that previously, 'accepting my body' had meant 'well, it's not like I can get anything better'. I had to re-learn that.
Anyways, yeah. You know, I always feel so inarticulate compared to a lot of people. I can't come up with a good ending to a blog post, let alone an essay, my conclusions are all absolute shit I assure you for realz. (Speaking of which, did vry good last semester, all A's :D!!! So thrilled for the A- in History of American Government since the only grades we got were those three essays and omg so hard I AM NOT A POLITICAL THEORIST/HISTORIAN)
Also IDK why I lj-cut random stuff like I think I'm hiding it? I guess I assume people don't want to actually read about how I feel about being a chubster so I put it where they don't have to see it lol. UNAPOLOGETIC ABOUT MY WEIGHT, BUT COMPLETELY APOLOGETIC ABOUT YOU HAVING TO READ ABOUT ME TALKING ABOUT MYSELF
*What I do need to do, though, is get outside, at least in the yard or something, at least once a day. I tend to forget that some nature exposure is refreshing. Walks with the dog are even more fun :D
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no subject
Date: 2011-01-18 10:05 pm (UTC)