Naw man it's coo'
Sep. 9th, 2011 05:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
potato_headHEY LOOK IT'S THAT POST I PROMISED
EDITING REALLY QUICK to throw up some definitions:
Coming out vs. disclosing: these words can be interchangeable, but when they DO mean different things (as in this entry) this is what they mean:
Coming out: a pre-transition trans person explaining their trans status and what their real gender is.
Disclosing: a post-transition (at least socially) trans person explaining their trans status/history.
Stealth: a trans person who is post social transition and is not 'out' in general, only disclosing to a few people, if anybody.
So there are some awkward moments in life. And the moment when someone comes out or discloses their trans status can DEFINITELY be one of those moments for everybody involved, no matter how great of an ally you are. And while there are some 'bad' ways to come out or disclose, there's really no 100% right way, plus you know trans people do not do this for a living, I think nobody's really an expert on coming out. So it's really helpful for us if you do a bit of lifting on your end as well to make it a positive discussion instead of an awkward and potentially negative one. Since you're here I assume you are an ally (if you're cis) and so would like to have some guidance so you CAN be supportive if somebody in your life comes out to you as trans.
First of all, one thing I see a lot of allies doing is talking about - bragging about, even, which makes me personally a bit uncomfortable - how casual they are when a person comes out as trans to them. I've seen quotes like "oh, that's cool! So what else is going on?"
Now, there's nothing wrong with this in some situations, especially if it's someone you have a casual relationship with, or you know this person tends to deal with emotional situations by playing them off, etc. And I understand the sentiment expressed - basically, 'that's no big deal, I don't think of you any differently'.
But one important thing to keep in mind is that for many trans people, coming out is a big deal to us, even if it isn't so much of one for you. Especially if you are close to the person in question. It's very scary to come out to someone in the position to hurt you, even if you are pretty sure you can trust them not to; and with the stigma out there about trans people, and the ignorance, sometimes you just really CANNOT KNOW AT ALL how someone will react, even if you know them to be a good person.
So although it may be nice to see that you don't consider it a Big Deal, this sort of brushing-off of the topic can be really worrying and upsetting. It is a simple fact that most cis people simply don't know much about the trans community, especially if they've never met a trans person before, and if you just brush it off without discussion, a lot of questions come up.
Do you actually know what transgender means, or do you have some idea or assumption that's far from reality?
Are you really okay with it, or are you brushing the topic aside because it makes you uncomfortable?
Are you avoiding the conversation because you think I'm just 'going through a phase' or 'looking for attention' and want to discourage me?
Will it be okay in the future to come to you if I need support with regards to these issues?
Will you freak out in the future after you've thought about it/researched it?
Obviously, none of these doubts or fears were your intention. But in as precarious a position as trans people are often in with regards to the rest of society, this is what comes up. And chances are, if a person is coming out to or disclosing to you, they DO want your support to some extent.
This doesn't mean you have to abandon the casual response altogether; I've seen it used very well with just a few additions:
Reassurances: just state how much experience you've had to the trans community. 'Oh, cool. I have a few friends/a cousin/etc. who's trans.' 'Oh, cool. I don't know much about being trans but I have some idea what that means.' etc. etc.
Support: let them know you're available for discussion and support. 'Oh, cool. Let me know any time you want/need to talk!' 'Oh, cool. Did you want to talk about that?'
Acknowledgment: just let them know you understand this is a big deal to them. 'Oh, cool. Thanks for choosing to tell me.'
Either or both of these simple additions can put a trans person much more at ease. It gives us information (that you really are comfortable with the situation; that you are more likely to actually understand what we said to you; that you understand this is a big deal for us).
In fact, I would really encourage you to always say 'thank you for choosing to tell me'. There is, as you may or may not have noticed, a huge number of people out there who thinks any closeted or stealth trans person is 'lying' to everybody they meet. Personally, I am always touched by the simple acknowledgment that it is my choice to come out to somebody, and that I am not obligated to tell anybody.
That is the main thing I wanted to address. Here are a few other suggestions for a sustained 'coming out/disclosing' kind of conversation; at the time, you may be taken off guard, surprised, and know you want to ask questions but aren't sure what. Here are some things you might want to ask:
"Would you like me to use different pronouns?" - this is obviously not right in a situation where the trans person is disclosing. However, if they are coming out, you don't know if they want you to use their preferred pronouns yet unless you ask. If they are coming out to you as genderqueer, you should also ask what their preferred pronouns are. Keep in mind that they may not know yet.
"Is there a different name you'd like me to call you by?" - See pronoun explanation.
"Is this something that it's okay for me to tell others?" - you should never, ever assume that it's okay to out somebody to others. You probably know this already. However, there are some trans people who are generally open about this part of their life, or may be alright with you telling, say, other trans people you know so they can network with the local trans community.
"What can I do to support you?" - this is a really general question, I know. That's one of the reasons it needs to be asked. A lot of trans people suffer from internalized transphobia, or are simply afraid of what the response will be if they ask you for some sort of particular type of support. This may be anything from not using certain words to refer to them, to taking them out clothes shopping because they have no idea what size they are in the clothes they want to wear and are nervous to ask on their own, to backing them up if they have to stand up to someone. Asking a question like this opens the discussion up and helps them communicate these things to you.
A few things you should be careful or aware of asking/saying:
"I kinda figured/could kind of tell." - this is totally OK to say to someone who is coming out to you, but if they are living full-time as their true gender and are disclosing to you, this is obviously REALLY RUDE. It doesn't matter HOW you thought knew, the implication is that you think they don't pass well, and you will probably come off as a 'trannyspotter' who regularly tries to judge whether people are cis or trans.
"I would have never known!" - only say this to a person disclosing to you if it is TRUE. Chances are, if they don't pass well, they are fully aware of this, and know you are lying. Keep in mind we are all our greatest critics and they may think you are lying even if it is true, in which case the reassurance might be a helpful ego-boost.
And although you probably know this already, I'll run through a few things that it is NOT okay to ask/say in most situations.
"Did you get surgery/what surgeries have you had/do you plan to get?" - this is only okay to ask if you regularly discuss sex, genitalia, etc. If that is not the kind of relationship you have, this is crass.
"What's your real/old name?" - don't ask this of someone who's disclosing. The name they gave you is their real name (or the nickname they want you to call them by). There's no need for you to know what their birth name was. This can also put a trans person on the defensive because there are certainly people out there who would do something like call someone by their birth name to be hurtful during an argument, to blackmail a stealth person, etc.
"Well I'll always think of you as x" - where 'x' is a reference to their gender-assigned-at-birth (for example, "I'll always think of you as one of my girlfriends"). This may be an attempt at reassurance along the lines of 'our relationship hasn't changed/I still care about you', but if that is what you mean, that is what you should say. Saying you will always treat them as their gender-assigned-at-birth is upsetting and hurtful. (Suggested by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ocelotofdoom)
Alright, so that's all I can think of. If any of my various trans frands would like to add anything, disagree with anything, etc. go right ahead :D discussion is always welcome.
ALSO BTW GUYS I have a tumblr now too, I mean a proper one not just one to fill with creepy things. I'm reblogging shit and everything, look at how tumblrtastic I am! I'm going to be cross-posting some things I think. That's not bad tumblr etiquette, right? It's like, half the point of tumblr, to put things that are not on tumblr onto tumblr.
EDITING REALLY QUICK to throw up some definitions:
Coming out vs. disclosing: these words can be interchangeable, but when they DO mean different things (as in this entry) this is what they mean:
Coming out: a pre-transition trans person explaining their trans status and what their real gender is.
Disclosing: a post-transition (at least socially) trans person explaining their trans status/history.
Stealth: a trans person who is post social transition and is not 'out' in general, only disclosing to a few people, if anybody.
So there are some awkward moments in life. And the moment when someone comes out or discloses their trans status can DEFINITELY be one of those moments for everybody involved, no matter how great of an ally you are. And while there are some 'bad' ways to come out or disclose, there's really no 100% right way, plus you know trans people do not do this for a living, I think nobody's really an expert on coming out. So it's really helpful for us if you do a bit of lifting on your end as well to make it a positive discussion instead of an awkward and potentially negative one. Since you're here I assume you are an ally (if you're cis) and so would like to have some guidance so you CAN be supportive if somebody in your life comes out to you as trans.
First of all, one thing I see a lot of allies doing is talking about - bragging about, even, which makes me personally a bit uncomfortable - how casual they are when a person comes out as trans to them. I've seen quotes like "oh, that's cool! So what else is going on?"
Now, there's nothing wrong with this in some situations, especially if it's someone you have a casual relationship with, or you know this person tends to deal with emotional situations by playing them off, etc. And I understand the sentiment expressed - basically, 'that's no big deal, I don't think of you any differently'.
But one important thing to keep in mind is that for many trans people, coming out is a big deal to us, even if it isn't so much of one for you. Especially if you are close to the person in question. It's very scary to come out to someone in the position to hurt you, even if you are pretty sure you can trust them not to; and with the stigma out there about trans people, and the ignorance, sometimes you just really CANNOT KNOW AT ALL how someone will react, even if you know them to be a good person.
So although it may be nice to see that you don't consider it a Big Deal, this sort of brushing-off of the topic can be really worrying and upsetting. It is a simple fact that most cis people simply don't know much about the trans community, especially if they've never met a trans person before, and if you just brush it off without discussion, a lot of questions come up.
Do you actually know what transgender means, or do you have some idea or assumption that's far from reality?
Are you really okay with it, or are you brushing the topic aside because it makes you uncomfortable?
Are you avoiding the conversation because you think I'm just 'going through a phase' or 'looking for attention' and want to discourage me?
Will it be okay in the future to come to you if I need support with regards to these issues?
Will you freak out in the future after you've thought about it/researched it?
Obviously, none of these doubts or fears were your intention. But in as precarious a position as trans people are often in with regards to the rest of society, this is what comes up. And chances are, if a person is coming out to or disclosing to you, they DO want your support to some extent.
This doesn't mean you have to abandon the casual response altogether; I've seen it used very well with just a few additions:
Reassurances: just state how much experience you've had to the trans community. 'Oh, cool. I have a few friends/a cousin/etc. who's trans.' 'Oh, cool. I don't know much about being trans but I have some idea what that means.' etc. etc.
Support: let them know you're available for discussion and support. 'Oh, cool. Let me know any time you want/need to talk!' 'Oh, cool. Did you want to talk about that?'
Acknowledgment: just let them know you understand this is a big deal to them. 'Oh, cool. Thanks for choosing to tell me.'
Either or both of these simple additions can put a trans person much more at ease. It gives us information (that you really are comfortable with the situation; that you are more likely to actually understand what we said to you; that you understand this is a big deal for us).
In fact, I would really encourage you to always say 'thank you for choosing to tell me'. There is, as you may or may not have noticed, a huge number of people out there who thinks any closeted or stealth trans person is 'lying' to everybody they meet. Personally, I am always touched by the simple acknowledgment that it is my choice to come out to somebody, and that I am not obligated to tell anybody.
That is the main thing I wanted to address. Here are a few other suggestions for a sustained 'coming out/disclosing' kind of conversation; at the time, you may be taken off guard, surprised, and know you want to ask questions but aren't sure what. Here are some things you might want to ask:
"Would you like me to use different pronouns?" - this is obviously not right in a situation where the trans person is disclosing. However, if they are coming out, you don't know if they want you to use their preferred pronouns yet unless you ask. If they are coming out to you as genderqueer, you should also ask what their preferred pronouns are. Keep in mind that they may not know yet.
"Is there a different name you'd like me to call you by?" - See pronoun explanation.
"Is this something that it's okay for me to tell others?" - you should never, ever assume that it's okay to out somebody to others. You probably know this already. However, there are some trans people who are generally open about this part of their life, or may be alright with you telling, say, other trans people you know so they can network with the local trans community.
"What can I do to support you?" - this is a really general question, I know. That's one of the reasons it needs to be asked. A lot of trans people suffer from internalized transphobia, or are simply afraid of what the response will be if they ask you for some sort of particular type of support. This may be anything from not using certain words to refer to them, to taking them out clothes shopping because they have no idea what size they are in the clothes they want to wear and are nervous to ask on their own, to backing them up if they have to stand up to someone. Asking a question like this opens the discussion up and helps them communicate these things to you.
A few things you should be careful or aware of asking/saying:
"I kinda figured/could kind of tell." - this is totally OK to say to someone who is coming out to you, but if they are living full-time as their true gender and are disclosing to you, this is obviously REALLY RUDE. It doesn't matter HOW you thought knew, the implication is that you think they don't pass well, and you will probably come off as a 'trannyspotter' who regularly tries to judge whether people are cis or trans.
"I would have never known!" - only say this to a person disclosing to you if it is TRUE. Chances are, if they don't pass well, they are fully aware of this, and know you are lying. Keep in mind we are all our greatest critics and they may think you are lying even if it is true, in which case the reassurance might be a helpful ego-boost.
And although you probably know this already, I'll run through a few things that it is NOT okay to ask/say in most situations.
"Did you get surgery/what surgeries have you had/do you plan to get?" - this is only okay to ask if you regularly discuss sex, genitalia, etc. If that is not the kind of relationship you have, this is crass.
"What's your real/old name?" - don't ask this of someone who's disclosing. The name they gave you is their real name (or the nickname they want you to call them by). There's no need for you to know what their birth name was. This can also put a trans person on the defensive because there are certainly people out there who would do something like call someone by their birth name to be hurtful during an argument, to blackmail a stealth person, etc.
"Well I'll always think of you as x" - where 'x' is a reference to their gender-assigned-at-birth (for example, "I'll always think of you as one of my girlfriends"). This may be an attempt at reassurance along the lines of 'our relationship hasn't changed/I still care about you', but if that is what you mean, that is what you should say. Saying you will always treat them as their gender-assigned-at-birth is upsetting and hurtful. (Suggested by
ocelotofdoom)Alright, so that's all I can think of. If any of my various trans frands would like to add anything, disagree with anything, etc. go right ahead :D discussion is always welcome.
ALSO BTW GUYS I have a tumblr now too, I mean a proper one not just one to fill with creepy things. I'm reblogging shit and everything, look at how tumblrtastic I am! I'm going to be cross-posting some things I think. That's not bad tumblr etiquette, right? It's like, half the point of tumblr, to put things that are not on tumblr onto tumblr.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-09-09 09:55 pm (UTC)"What is your real name?" Oh god SO MUCH RAGE. Especially now I have a male name and it'll be changed officially everywhere as soon as my benefits are sorted with the move. I fully expect people to not believe me that I'm me, even when my bank card says 'Miss' Christopher etc... I already get a lot of suspicion for being in a wheelchair at 25. YOUNG PEOPLE CAN'T BE ILL Y'ALL.
no subject
Date: 2011-09-09 10:13 pm (UTC)Suspicious people need to learn to STFU and mind their own business, basically =/
no subject
Date: 2011-09-09 10:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-09 11:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-09 11:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-10 01:00 am (UTC)Exactly. They could have all the sense and best intentions in the world but say the wrong thing just because they were never really exposed to the concept of transfabulousness and trans people. The first step is always visibility.
no subject
Date: 2011-09-10 02:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-10 02:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-10 02:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-10 02:05 am (UTC)Sure! Feel free to link it wherever you like.
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Date: 2011-09-10 03:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-10 03:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-10 07:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-10 02:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-10 05:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-10 05:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-23 09:05 pm (UTC)This reminds me of when I was in school for counselling, we talked about what to say and what not to say when someone is grieving. Amazing how totally insensitive and thoughtless someone can be. You can usualy tel the difference between thoughtless and clueless though, but this is a handy guide to have.
I worked with an incredibly brave student going through transition in junior high/high school. He had a hell of a time, but I was so, so proud of that kid. He went from middle to junior, changing schools and genders. He eventually ended up at the school I was at, and there were a couple students who had been with him before the switch. They accepted him without question as a boy, and didn't "out" him to anyone else in the class. That made me SO HAPPY. Good to know the young'ins can be sensitive and caring. Some of them, anyway.