Spiders and Stuff

[potato_head]

So today I went outside to check out the spider population at work. Every summer we get a huge population of these fat black orb-weaver spiders - the butt is about the mass of the tip of my thumb on the adults; I'm not sure exactly which species they are. Basically, because we're the only source of light right across from a state park, the building gets swarmed with bugs at night and there are so many nooks and crannies outside that never even get touched that every year, one or two whole nests hatch and they all survive and co-exist, clustered fairly close together in the most ideal places to make their webs. Anyways, this year is no different, with two big old adults and about six or seven baby spiders on the corner of the building; probably that number again under the archway over the drivethru window, I didn't go to look because I was afraid of walking through one of their webs.

I tried to get a photo, but my phone has an issue with taking pictures of something that small; I might actually bring my camera tomorrow to get a short video, since they're so active at night. They didn't even take note of me, just kept going about their spidery business, even when I spoke to them. Maybe they're used to noise, considering they're right on the parking lot.

There are also some really tiny orb weavers around our house that I really want photos of, because they're very pretty - iridescent green. But like I said, they are tiny, and I can't find the macro/micro settings on my new camera :P but they build HUGE webs comparative to their size - easily twice the size of any of the webs I saw the black ones at work make; they make them in the woods, and one determined spider keeps making its web across the front door in the two hours or so after everybody else gets home before I do, and I keep walking into it. Or maybe it's a succession of spiders who don't realize what a bad spot it is. I always feel guilty when I see the little spider sitting on the wall by the door, watching/feeling its hard work just be ripped up. :C I HAVE TO GET INSIDE, LITTLE SPIDER.

Interestingly, I still find I have a much stronger 'OMFG EW SPIDER AJDKLSG MIGHT BITE ME' reaction to orb spiders than hunting spiders, even though I know hunting spiders are much more likely to bite me and to have venom that will bother me. Something about the shape, I guess; Hunting spiders could pass for other arachnids (like huntsman) but orb spiders are the unmistakable classic spider shape. They also have a kind of alien look to them.

Speaking of weird fears - I'm still dealing with my one genuine phobia, of water I can't see through/things in water/dark, wet places. It continues to get worse. Which is disappointing because I recently discovered some male swimwear-type outfits I could actually wear, and I would love to do things like swim and clam hunt (I LOVE clam hunting sfm) again without having a complete breakdown. Hell, it would be nice to be able to go to the aquarium. I used to LOVE the aquarium.

Unfortunately, I've pretty much established that this mysterious phobia is actually somehow related to masking my dysphoria. For a long time, I thought I didn't even feel any, but lately I've caught a few brief glimpses of emotions that I have apparently buried too deep for even me to excavate. And I just don't have the energy to deal with that now, and I can't even really convince myself that swimming is better than being able to ignore my dysphoria.

Besides, I know mom would resist the hell out of me wearing anything at all masculine to the beach, especially if it showed any of my (gasp) unshaven legs. She started a screaming match with me over not shaving my legs before my last doctor's visit - when she knows my doctor knows I'm trans. Besides which, I'm pretty sure there isn't actually etiquette about women shaving their legs before seeing the doctor...is there? She also says it's bad manners to not shave one's legs when staying as a guest in somebody else's house. I feel like it would be quite the opposite, shaving in somebody else's shower...

I have realized that what I was mistaking the past few nights for Nikka catching a mouse outside is actually a bat that is hanging off the lip of our roof right outside the windows and making noise. IDK what is up with this bat, but it's pretty entertaining.

Comments

[die-monster.livejournal.com]

oh man, so you think that fear is dysphoria related? I also have a deep/dark/murky water fear, and it's not something I've always had. It seems to be getting a lot worse with time, too. I never used to have a problem with being underwater/in deep water in WoW and now just that, video game water, freaks me out to the point of making me breathe hard. Interestingly I also never really felt any strong identifiable-as-such dysphoria--discomfort with my name, with certain female-relationship words, etc. It's such a weird fear. Some things REALLY trigger it and others don't seem to bother me especially.

Sorry your mom is so weird about shaving. I wasn't raised by anyone with a strong opinion on it, so it just baffles me that so many people are so neurotic about it, when as far as I've been able to tell the average person just isn't even gonna notice if your legs have hair.

Weee bat bat bat bat. OH MAN. Do youuuuu still make plush things/have any plush bats you have made? I am trying to make my job more bearable by keeping things on my desk and a(nother) plush bat would definitely be cheering! And, as mentioned, job, so, you know, ABILITY TO PAY YOU! But if not, also cool. you are a busy and righteous dude :D

[poto-heart.livejournal.com]

Yeahhh our fears sound pretty much identical, with advancement too, I'm just reaching the point where video game water freaks me out. I did have it just a tiny bit when I was young - when I first started swimming, pool filters freaked me out. I could still move past one, though, like holding on to the edge of the pool? Last time I was in a pool I couldn't even swim by one from the middle of the pool without having a minor freak-out and having to close my eyes. The worst recently was when we went to a museum and it had a surprise!Titanic exhibit, including things like a canister of water you could dip your finger in to feel the temperature of the water it sank in, and I wanted to, but I just couldn't stick my finger in, I stood there for like five minutes before realizing what an idiot I must look like. And then we moved into a room where they had a faux porthole with water pouring into a little area closed off with railings and I freaked out and had to stay in the opposite corner and not look at it.

But yeah, I know it was just sort of a background uncomfortableness with certain things, like pool filters, until towards the end of high school, when it suddenly got really bad really fast. I was so confused at the time, but now I realize it correlates pretty closely to when I realizes I was trans; and for the longest time I thought the only dysphoria I felt was with the idea of being pregnant, which has always freaked me out, and my name. I thought I had no dysphoria at all around my body, but lately I've been getting it in kind of strong flashes.

And yeah it's wicked weird for me too :P like I can't even explain it to people, they assume it's a fear of something in the water biting me, but it's just like...touching the stuff in the water that I can't see. Which in psychoanalytic and symbolic terms makes a lot of sense if it is a redirection of my dysphoria.

I haven't made any plushes lately because I've been soooo super busy, but I do still have these two bats (http://poto-heart.livejournal.com/64070.html) that I made :D they're kind of big for desk ornaments though? Once I come back from China I'll have time to do some sewing if you want to tell me what you want :3

[die-monster.livejournal.com]

Yeah in a way I think maybe I have always had some version of it, because apparently even as like...a baby I was terrified of drains, and I still am. Don't like plumbing in general honestly, and I think there's just kind of a general conjunction of fears going on, between my dislike of a lot of water and my dislike of bathrooms. but I do love swimming, just...no drains or filters or anything, haha. The weird thing, a lot of people in ONTDCreepy one thread said they were super uncomfortable with video game water too, and I was like OH IT'S NOT JUST ME WOO.

I could totally fit one of those on top of my computer! Our work computers are colossal and the top of the cpu is just gathering dust. I still love the red and black one, hurray bats XD and I still might get another bat plush later on. but how much would the red and black one be? I looked on etsy and either I suck at etsy (likely) or I can't see anything there. maybe when you get back I could get a ridiculously teal and pink baticorn (see icon) :p

[poto-heart.livejournal.com]

Yeahh I love swimming, or used to, lol. And body surfing and stuff. But I basically can't be in the water for more than a few minutes now without running out because seaweed touched me or I went too near a filter or I just suddenly realized I'm in a lake or something.

It's not on Etsy anymore because the listing expired two times and I figured nobody was going to buy it...I don't have the time for proper networking though, so it's not surprising. When I can have my own room at school and sew year-round I'll give Etsy another try. For you...the bat would be $15 plus shipping (it was originally twice that IIRC).

And that would be wonderful since I have ridiculous amounts of teal and pink fabric. Because I go fabric shopping without a list of what I might need for projects so I end up buying based on colors I like xD

[die-monster.livejournal.com]

omg yay! Teal and pink is one of my favourite colour combinations, and for some reason it works especially well for bats, idek. When I played Symphony of the Night I would always get the colour-changeable cloak for Alucard and make it teal with hot pink lining so his bat form would be gloriously eye-shocking XD but I'll love the red and black little dude too, he'll go wonderfully with my Dracula action figure (also from Castlevania). Kinda hoping I manage to frighten away my desk-mate, she's a bit awful :c

Do you do PayPal? I can just send you 20 bucks tomorrow night when I get paid, and if the shipping's more than that I can do the rest thenever.

[poto-heart.livejournal.com]

Ahaha xD I'm loving the idea of a teal and pink bat.

Yeah, my paypal is at the email tanzelt (at) aol.com. If you want to PM/email me (same email) your address, I can ship it tomorrow or Friday since I'll be all over town anyway :3 otherwise I'll have to ask my dad to ship it since I'm leaving Saturday and IDK when you would actually get it in that case xD;

[die-monster.livejournal.com]

Email sent! <33

[winds-of-whimsy.livejournal.com]

That is really really interesting. I am a terrible person, I am -fascinated- with interpreting stuff..

Although given that I'm new I will behave.. for now :p

OMG bat! We have a bat too! It likes to hang out mth chasing in the garden, can stand outside and it'll proper whip past your ears chasing them :D

[poto-heart.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty into interpreting things, too :3 I have a bit of background studying psychoanalysis and I'm into dream interpretation etc. So I have a good idea what I think it means and how the fear relates to avoiding things in my subconscious and so on, I'll probably do a whole post on it when I have the energy and time to examine it. And feel free to not behave, I certainly don't ;P

[poto-heart.livejournal.com]

And if you're into that sort of stuff, I have a few posts on my dream interpretation methods and one dissecting one of my nightmares, they should be tagged dreams or dream interpretation.