turtles

So today I went outside to check out the spider population at work. Every summer we get a huge population of these fat black orb-weaver spiders - the butt is about the mass of the tip of my thumb on the adults; I'm not sure exactly which species they are. Basically, because we're the only source of light right across from a state park, the building gets swarmed with bugs at night and there are so many nooks and crannies outside that never even get touched that every year, one or two whole nests hatch and they all survive and co-exist, clustered fairly close together in the most ideal places to make their webs. Anyways, this year is no different, with two big old adults and about six or seven baby spiders on the corner of the building; probably that number again under the archway over the drivethru window, I didn't go to look because I was afraid of walking through one of their webs.

I tried to get a photo, but my phone has an issue with taking pictures of something that small; I might actually bring my camera tomorrow to get a short video, since they're so active at night. They didn't even take note of me, just kept going about their spidery business, even when I spoke to them. Maybe they're used to noise, considering they're right on the parking lot.

There are also some really tiny orb weavers around our house that I really want photos of, because they're very pretty - iridescent green. But like I said, they are tiny, and I can't find the macro/micro settings on my new camera :P but they build HUGE webs comparative to their size - easily twice the size of any of the webs I saw the black ones at work make; they make them in the woods, and one determined spider keeps making its web across the front door in the two hours or so after everybody else gets home before I do, and I keep walking into it. Or maybe it's a succession of spiders who don't realize what a bad spot it is. I always feel guilty when I see the little spider sitting on the wall by the door, watching/feeling its hard work just be ripped up. :C I HAVE TO GET INSIDE, LITTLE SPIDER.

Interestingly, I still find I have a much stronger 'OMFG EW SPIDER AJDKLSG MIGHT BITE ME' reaction to orb spiders than hunting spiders, even though I know hunting spiders are much more likely to bite me and to have venom that will bother me. Something about the shape, I guess; Hunting spiders could pass for other arachnids (like huntsman) but orb spiders are the unmistakable classic spider shape. They also have a kind of alien look to them.

Speaking of weird fears - I'm still dealing with my one genuine phobia, of water I can't see through/things in water/dark, wet places. It continues to get worse. Which is disappointing because I recently discovered some male swimwear-type outfits I could actually wear, and I would love to do things like swim and clam hunt (I LOVE clam hunting sfm) again without having a complete breakdown. Hell, it would be nice to be able to go to the aquarium. I used to LOVE the aquarium.

Unfortunately, I've pretty much established that this mysterious phobia is actually somehow related to masking my dysphoria. For a long time, I thought I didn't even feel any, but lately I've caught a few brief glimpses of emotions that I have apparently buried too deep for even me to excavate. And I just don't have the energy to deal with that now, and I can't even really convince myself that swimming is better than being able to ignore my dysphoria.

Besides, I know mom would resist the hell out of me wearing anything at all masculine to the beach, especially if it showed any of my (gasp) unshaven legs. She started a screaming match with me over not shaving my legs before my last doctor's visit - when she knows my doctor knows I'm trans. Besides which, I'm pretty sure there isn't actually etiquette about women shaving their legs before seeing the doctor...is there? She also says it's bad manners to not shave one's legs when staying as a guest in somebody else's house. I feel like it would be quite the opposite, shaving in somebody else's shower...

I have realized that what I was mistaking the past few nights for Nikka catching a mouse outside is actually a bat that is hanging off the lip of our roof right outside the windows and making noise. IDK what is up with this bat, but it's pretty entertaining.

Sooo I know some of you saw that debacle. In sf_d. A lot of you probably didn't? But that's alright because I'm pretty sure the things I want to say here can stand completely separate from that, but I do have a few words to say on that first, as to why I'm now writing a post on it;

I was really actually very, very angry. That was pretty much the most pissed-off I can be; I was shaking with anger, light-headed, etc. With the main result being, as I said at the time, I couldn't get out everything I had to say. This can actually be pretty good for an actual discussion since as you all know I usually have a tendency to ramble on for PARAGRAPHS AND PARAGRAPHS, and when I'm that mad I kind of get straight to the point :P in fact, I'm rambling right now, so let me get to the point: I don't feel like I did justice to the point I wanted to make, and there are some things I wanted to discuss that wouldn't have been appropriate in the context of that um...discussion anyways. So I am going to talk about them now.

And I'd like to remind everybody again that I completely welcome discussion and debate. However, for probably the first time ever, I am also going to request that you stay respectful. I mean I generally trust all of y'all to do so but I feel like this is a topic on which emotions might run high.

Also, I would like to note that I have been struggling with how to write this for a few days now, because the fact is that I can't back up my points with personal experience, because I'm not asexual myself. The things I do know, that I am drawing some of my conclusions from, are very personal stories shared with me by my ace friends and acquaintances, and it's not my place to go telling those experiences to others.

So um, with that in mind, let's talk about this!

( Hey look a cut )

I probably had more to say, but I feel out of words for now. So yes, I think that's it. Again, I welcome (and encourage) respectful discussion on the issue...as you (hopefully) realize by now, since that's basically my point; we have to talk about these things, not shut discussions down.