turtles

So today I went outside to check out the spider population at work. Every summer we get a huge population of these fat black orb-weaver spiders - the butt is about the mass of the tip of my thumb on the adults; I'm not sure exactly which species they are. Basically, because we're the only source of light right across from a state park, the building gets swarmed with bugs at night and there are so many nooks and crannies outside that never even get touched that every year, one or two whole nests hatch and they all survive and co-exist, clustered fairly close together in the most ideal places to make their webs. Anyways, this year is no different, with two big old adults and about six or seven baby spiders on the corner of the building; probably that number again under the archway over the drivethru window, I didn't go to look because I was afraid of walking through one of their webs.

I tried to get a photo, but my phone has an issue with taking pictures of something that small; I might actually bring my camera tomorrow to get a short video, since they're so active at night. They didn't even take note of me, just kept going about their spidery business, even when I spoke to them. Maybe they're used to noise, considering they're right on the parking lot.

There are also some really tiny orb weavers around our house that I really want photos of, because they're very pretty - iridescent green. But like I said, they are tiny, and I can't find the macro/micro settings on my new camera :P but they build HUGE webs comparative to their size - easily twice the size of any of the webs I saw the black ones at work make; they make them in the woods, and one determined spider keeps making its web across the front door in the two hours or so after everybody else gets home before I do, and I keep walking into it. Or maybe it's a succession of spiders who don't realize what a bad spot it is. I always feel guilty when I see the little spider sitting on the wall by the door, watching/feeling its hard work just be ripped up. :C I HAVE TO GET INSIDE, LITTLE SPIDER.

Interestingly, I still find I have a much stronger 'OMFG EW SPIDER AJDKLSG MIGHT BITE ME' reaction to orb spiders than hunting spiders, even though I know hunting spiders are much more likely to bite me and to have venom that will bother me. Something about the shape, I guess; Hunting spiders could pass for other arachnids (like huntsman) but orb spiders are the unmistakable classic spider shape. They also have a kind of alien look to them.

Speaking of weird fears - I'm still dealing with my one genuine phobia, of water I can't see through/things in water/dark, wet places. It continues to get worse. Which is disappointing because I recently discovered some male swimwear-type outfits I could actually wear, and I would love to do things like swim and clam hunt (I LOVE clam hunting sfm) again without having a complete breakdown. Hell, it would be nice to be able to go to the aquarium. I used to LOVE the aquarium.

Unfortunately, I've pretty much established that this mysterious phobia is actually somehow related to masking my dysphoria. For a long time, I thought I didn't even feel any, but lately I've caught a few brief glimpses of emotions that I have apparently buried too deep for even me to excavate. And I just don't have the energy to deal with that now, and I can't even really convince myself that swimming is better than being able to ignore my dysphoria.

Besides, I know mom would resist the hell out of me wearing anything at all masculine to the beach, especially if it showed any of my (gasp) unshaven legs. She started a screaming match with me over not shaving my legs before my last doctor's visit - when she knows my doctor knows I'm trans. Besides which, I'm pretty sure there isn't actually etiquette about women shaving their legs before seeing the doctor...is there? She also says it's bad manners to not shave one's legs when staying as a guest in somebody else's house. I feel like it would be quite the opposite, shaving in somebody else's shower...

I have realized that what I was mistaking the past few nights for Nikka catching a mouse outside is actually a bat that is hanging off the lip of our roof right outside the windows and making noise. IDK what is up with this bat, but it's pretty entertaining.