Scary Trolls
Jun. 27th, 2011 03:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
potato_headSo I spent a lot of time thinking about this lately (and have apparently come to the conclusion that you guys care as much as I do about why I do the things I do). Basically, about why I acted the way I did on Saturday (spending most of my work breaks arguing with assholes on the internet despite the emotional stress it caused).
Are you liking the parentheses? I am thinking of concluding all of my thoughts with parenthetical clauses from now on (jk, jk).
Okay, srsface now:
So my first question to myself was: why the fuck am I arguing so persistently about this with people who are clearly transphobic and just don't give a fuck?
This may seem an odd question to ask myself since you all saw how bent out of shape I got over the asexual issue - but there's a big difference, for me, between arguing to defend someone else, and arguing on my own behalf; and there's also a big difference between calling a group of people out on their actions (being as many of them may not even be thinking through them, and are just learning from a few bigots that otherwise seem like good moral guides) and directly engaging with someone who is clearly set enough in their opinions to start spewing transphobic BS in a generally anti-oppressing-trans-people space. In the first, I have a hope of accomplishing something. In the second, I don't; although I know there are some people in that thread who sided with the transphobes but were doing it out of ignorance rather than malice, I doubt that the way I was arguing would have persuaded them to see it any differently, as I was basically going at the core beliefs I knew were behind what the main aggressors were saying - which are not things those uneducated about trans people were probably thinking.
So I knew I was acting in an illogical, possibly self-destructive way; putting myself through a lot of emotional distress, attracting the attention of some terrible people, probably for nothing. Why was I doing it? I realized:
Because I am afraid of them.
More specifically, I am terrified. I was arguing defensively, to deal with the fact that transphobic people, especially those claiming to be allies, scare the shit out of me.
So then I ask myself - why? I only know these people on the internet. They aren't going to come beat me up in some back alley. Why am I afraid of them?
Well, first of all, I don't know them well enough to say for sure that they can't hurt me. For all I know, they could live close to me; they could be cops or judges in my district, or even just end up members of my peers on a jury some day, and with their attitudes I can hardly trust that they wouldn't let some violent ass go on the 'tranny panic' defense after he hurt or killed me or somebody I care about. Or they could just be normal people who happen to be friends with one of those cops, judges or jury members, and don't care enough to say anything to that friend when they espouse even more transphobic views, because they just don't care enough, so they just nod and smile, because cis people don't NEED to drop a friend for being transphobic. So they're just one of the many people out there telling these people in power that it's okay to believe and act the way they do.
Or they could be similarly tied to law-makers, or the QUILTBAG political activists that use the T as a bargaining chip with conservatives.
But yes, it's much more likely that I will never be connected to them, even peripherally; hell, there's a good chance they don't even live on the same continent I do. But even if they're not anywhere near me, they are still VERY LIKELY playing such a role - just in another trans person's life. Somewhere, they are telling cis people who have the power to actively oppress trans people, 'it's okay; I'm a trans ally, and it really is okay to see them as freaks; they know it, we know it, they're just trying to hide it. It's okay to put them in their place sometimes, the poor things.' They may not be the people beating up members of the trans community, but they are supporting the culture that makes it possible, and in fact are giving themselves more power to do so by claiming to be trans allies, because cis people are almost always more open to listening to another cis person than an actual trans person.
There are also people they have direct power over, even if they're not in politics, not a cop or a judge nor hold any other legal, political, or even religious power. I'm gonna bet there are people that rely on them, emotionally, for support; who look up to them. And the fact that one of those people could be trans, and potentially have their world utterly devastated by this person, makes me incredibly upset.
There's one more contributing factor I can identify. In the words of the ever-quotable movie-verse Mystique, "people like you were why I was afraid to go to school as a child."
Their callous indifference and clear need to control others and pass judgment on things they know nothing about reminds me too much of the bullies and resulting ostracizing I dealt with in school, the effects of which I am still dealing with today. (I still refuse to go out in groups of friends if I only know one or two people, because I am convinced that the people I do not know already will hate me, and at best will try to be polite to me and will be angry with their friend for dragging me along, and I will ruin everyone's day simply by being there; it only occurred to me a week or so ago that there's any possibility it could go differently).
Their attitudes also remind me of my own, back when I was struggling with my trans identity to the point of being suicidal. I know it was very lucky that when I finally went to look for information on being trans online, I found only support; if I had come across such transphobic shit then, I know there's a good chance they would have convinced me that it would just be better to be dead than to be trans, because I wouldn't ever be a 'real' man. And the fact that these people could have had such power over me and don't even know it - and probably wouldn't care if they did know - is terrifying.
So yes. That was a journey into introspection for me, which I thought some of you might find at least tangentially interesting.
In other news, I think I've actually narrowed my choices down to two names: Sydney and Cortland. I'm not going to rush into choosing though, since I learned my lesson last time after investing so much into Christian and then realizing I didn't like it at all. Although I think part of that mistake was my initial euphoria of 'OH MY GOD I CAN FINALLY HAVE A NAME THAT IS ACTUALLY ME'. As opposed to my current name which I just feel is something that people call me. Kind of like they're whistling at me like I'm a dog. Which is terrible, but I realized that's really how I feel about it, and it's why I'm not really participating in the ontdcreepy facebook page even though I want to...because obviously the only thing they have to call me by is my first name. Ugh.
Yes, I did just load this post with tags. Yes, they are all relevant.
Are you liking the parentheses? I am thinking of concluding all of my thoughts with parenthetical clauses from now on (jk, jk).
Okay, srsface now:
So my first question to myself was: why the fuck am I arguing so persistently about this with people who are clearly transphobic and just don't give a fuck?
This may seem an odd question to ask myself since you all saw how bent out of shape I got over the asexual issue - but there's a big difference, for me, between arguing to defend someone else, and arguing on my own behalf; and there's also a big difference between calling a group of people out on their actions (being as many of them may not even be thinking through them, and are just learning from a few bigots that otherwise seem like good moral guides) and directly engaging with someone who is clearly set enough in their opinions to start spewing transphobic BS in a generally anti-oppressing-trans-people space. In the first, I have a hope of accomplishing something. In the second, I don't; although I know there are some people in that thread who sided with the transphobes but were doing it out of ignorance rather than malice, I doubt that the way I was arguing would have persuaded them to see it any differently, as I was basically going at the core beliefs I knew were behind what the main aggressors were saying - which are not things those uneducated about trans people were probably thinking.
So I knew I was acting in an illogical, possibly self-destructive way; putting myself through a lot of emotional distress, attracting the attention of some terrible people, probably for nothing. Why was I doing it? I realized:
Because I am afraid of them.
More specifically, I am terrified. I was arguing defensively, to deal with the fact that transphobic people, especially those claiming to be allies, scare the shit out of me.
So then I ask myself - why? I only know these people on the internet. They aren't going to come beat me up in some back alley. Why am I afraid of them?
Well, first of all, I don't know them well enough to say for sure that they can't hurt me. For all I know, they could live close to me; they could be cops or judges in my district, or even just end up members of my peers on a jury some day, and with their attitudes I can hardly trust that they wouldn't let some violent ass go on the 'tranny panic' defense after he hurt or killed me or somebody I care about. Or they could just be normal people who happen to be friends with one of those cops, judges or jury members, and don't care enough to say anything to that friend when they espouse even more transphobic views, because they just don't care enough, so they just nod and smile, because cis people don't NEED to drop a friend for being transphobic. So they're just one of the many people out there telling these people in power that it's okay to believe and act the way they do.
Or they could be similarly tied to law-makers, or the QUILTBAG political activists that use the T as a bargaining chip with conservatives.
But yes, it's much more likely that I will never be connected to them, even peripherally; hell, there's a good chance they don't even live on the same continent I do. But even if they're not anywhere near me, they are still VERY LIKELY playing such a role - just in another trans person's life. Somewhere, they are telling cis people who have the power to actively oppress trans people, 'it's okay; I'm a trans ally, and it really is okay to see them as freaks; they know it, we know it, they're just trying to hide it. It's okay to put them in their place sometimes, the poor things.' They may not be the people beating up members of the trans community, but they are supporting the culture that makes it possible, and in fact are giving themselves more power to do so by claiming to be trans allies, because cis people are almost always more open to listening to another cis person than an actual trans person.
There are also people they have direct power over, even if they're not in politics, not a cop or a judge nor hold any other legal, political, or even religious power. I'm gonna bet there are people that rely on them, emotionally, for support; who look up to them. And the fact that one of those people could be trans, and potentially have their world utterly devastated by this person, makes me incredibly upset.
There's one more contributing factor I can identify. In the words of the ever-quotable movie-verse Mystique, "people like you were why I was afraid to go to school as a child."
Their callous indifference and clear need to control others and pass judgment on things they know nothing about reminds me too much of the bullies and resulting ostracizing I dealt with in school, the effects of which I am still dealing with today. (I still refuse to go out in groups of friends if I only know one or two people, because I am convinced that the people I do not know already will hate me, and at best will try to be polite to me and will be angry with their friend for dragging me along, and I will ruin everyone's day simply by being there; it only occurred to me a week or so ago that there's any possibility it could go differently).
Their attitudes also remind me of my own, back when I was struggling with my trans identity to the point of being suicidal. I know it was very lucky that when I finally went to look for information on being trans online, I found only support; if I had come across such transphobic shit then, I know there's a good chance they would have convinced me that it would just be better to be dead than to be trans, because I wouldn't ever be a 'real' man. And the fact that these people could have had such power over me and don't even know it - and probably wouldn't care if they did know - is terrifying.
So yes. That was a journey into introspection for me, which I thought some of you might find at least tangentially interesting.
In other news, I think I've actually narrowed my choices down to two names: Sydney and Cortland. I'm not going to rush into choosing though, since I learned my lesson last time after investing so much into Christian and then realizing I didn't like it at all. Although I think part of that mistake was my initial euphoria of 'OH MY GOD I CAN FINALLY HAVE A NAME THAT IS ACTUALLY ME'. As opposed to my current name which I just feel is something that people call me. Kind of like they're whistling at me like I'm a dog. Which is terrible, but I realized that's really how I feel about it, and it's why I'm not really participating in the ontdcreepy facebook page even though I want to...because obviously the only thing they have to call me by is my first name. Ugh.
Yes, I did just load this post with tags. Yes, they are all relevant.
Tags:
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no subject
Date: 2011-06-28 05:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-28 04:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-28 07:21 pm (UTC)With Cortland, you could be like Roland's badass teacher Cort in the Dark Tower books, who is awesome in a completely different way.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-28 07:41 pm (UTC)On a completely different note, I also somewhat resemble Sid the Sloth from the Ice Age movies, being short and annoying in a lovable way.